What Do I Crave?
I’ve found myself once again, on what feels like an unexpected journey, but as I walk through it, it feels oh so very familiar. If you know me at all, you’d know that I’ve had a lifelong struggle with my weight. Probably an obsessively over the top struggle but to me, it’s real, both on the inside and the out. I’ve lost a lot of weight over the years… a lot. Like a few people worth of weight. But a few weeks ago, I found myself having a major meltdown reality check on where I am health wise. This is more than weight in the end, as I live with chronic pain and fatigue from years of physical pain and stress. This meltdown reality check came literally as a result of seeing myself for who I was… a woman who was created by God to be in His image and a reflection to the world. I realized I was a woman saved by grace from a lot of stuff that should’ve happened to me, in spite of the knowledge of all the stuff that has happened to me.
And I realized that I needed to finally and fully see myself for the woman I was created to be, and that was someone content to be more than a struggler, but rather an overcomer. Through the help of a couple of really talented, gracious truth-tellers, I’ve set myself ~ or rather God maybe forced my hand through his convicting spirit in me ~ on a course which I hope will finally result in me figuring out why I choose to keep seeing myself as less than, just because I have an issue with weight, and can’t seem to get it under good control.
All this to say, I put myself into an intervention of sorts, one that takes away the very things on which I’ve been dependent on to bring comfort rather than relying on the Only One who truly brings comfort. I’m not ready to share many details as frankly, I’m still taking it day by day. But it is a plan. With people to support me both to delve into all the whys and whats of finally changing my lifestyle from the rollercoaster I’ve been on to contentment finally with who I am.
How’s that for transparency?
Part of this journey includes the thoughtful, heartfelt Biblical teaching of Lysa Terkeurst. Her book Made to Crave has literally been sitting on my bedside stand since may 2011. I know that because that’s the first date I have written down when I started it the first time. You see, I’ve tried. And each time I’ve tried and gotten to a certain point where I have said, “no that couldn’t be what I need to give up” and shut the book and went back to what I have been doing for years. I don’t know how I’m going to do this time, except to say, I have a one day at a time state of mind right now… determined, focused, the “want to” is there, and I covet your prayers, as I’ll pray for you, as I journey.