Should I start again?
I’m good at disappearing. Writing is a love but when it’s feels more like complaining, it becomes something I believe others can do without. It becomes an exercise of re-vamping the complaining into #hope and trying to live the next day better.
I’m just wondering if I should start again? I don’t know. I write stuff in my head all the time. I mean, it’s my calling, having something to say because God puts it there. And right now, really, I have no one to say it to. So maybe I should.
But can I? These last couple of years have been #rollercoaster. Uncertainty as companion, wondering why God continues to allow it to be so. Kids growing by leaps and bounds, forging their own way yet needing my hand and heart with theirs more than ever. Joy of seeing their success. Heartache of watching them struggle. Hubs away trying to forge not a way for us to join him in a more together sort of family life. Trying to daily, #takewhatcomesandbegrateful. But I’m not very good at it as sometimes my courage wavers and I let the joy seek below the hard stuff. Poof. Crying out “how long oh Lord…til everything is how it should be” and remembering that in His time and His way, He makes all things work. I just have to get on board for the adventure.
I’m contemplating stuff… like if my life is supposed to be as #justamom caring for my babes who are gift and light and love and joy but need me (and whoever said that it gets easier when they’re tweens and teens was either lying or kidding themselves or I got a different lot) more than ever, and whether there is still room for God to speak through me…somewhere.
If you can’t tell, there is streams of all sorts working its way through my little brain, the wondering about what is going on mixed with the assurance that I have a hope because I have a God who never fails, loves always, cares for us, has a plan for us, keeps his promises, gives enough grace for each day, restores the depleted, mends the broken heart, shouts His love for us from the cross, rains His power over us as He stands in glorious sunlight resurrected. When trust is hard I must remember this.
So maybe I should start writing out loud again, and maybe not. We’ll see.